Ante Meridian Thoughts

So here I am, 501 ante meridian, sitting at my computer desk, so aptly made from an old restroom door, which once called church its home. Not a whole lot goes on this early in the morning. I know that Lisa is still awake and her online company is very appreciated.

My mind is racing as fast as a bullet train flying along the metal tracks, only my path is less guided. I could only be so fortunate for a guided path, but such is life. I have ruminative thoughts lately; for about the last two months to be exact. And somehow I've lead myself off the beaten path, which used to resemble attendance and good grades, and into a whole new realm I cannot fathom.

It is almost as if I'm watching myself through someone else's eyes. Sometimes when I am performing daily actions, I find myself consciously thinking myself into doing them, i.e., when I go through the motions to protect and lock my car every day. "Ok, you've done this, so next you do this, and then you do that, and make sure you've got everything important out of the car, and then close the door and set the alarm." It's almost weird sometimes. Normal things I used to take for granted seem to take so much concentration now, and things I used to think about diligently (attendance, homework) have been lofty ideas this semester.

I know this is where I want to be. I want my degree from here. I will get it from here. That is, if I don't get banned for lack of academic probation improvement. Yippee, another possible failure I might have to bring to my parents. (Siblings: Don't tell M&D, I'm trying to work things out with my teachers.)

So basically I'm unhappy with gen. eds. Yeah, I've gotta do 'em. No, I don't wanna. Somewhere along the way I slipped into a placatory fantasy coma. Architecture is where I know I belong and if I can just get myself admitted to the program, then I know I can knock their socks right off! But from what depths will I draw motivation? GREAT depths.

Give me a padded cell, my favorite music, all the homework that needs to be done, some time, and you'll get vastly-improved results.

Dare I sleep?


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